i think i'm really a person of contradictions. i can't seem to understand myself sometimes.
over the past few months, i've finally gotten over alot of things. moved on. let go. given up. and i think i finally have that space in me to take in more. i was so surrounded and filled up with memories that i lived in the past and not seeing the present. everything feels like its the way it should be. in place. but yet, nothing is as easy as it seems.

and at the same time, i feel lik i'm not having enough alone time. haha. see the contradiction? i love just sitting in my room. having a cup of tea, reading my book, watching my dramas. i can get pretty anti-social. to the point where angela & jen keeps telling me i need to get out. haha. ah wells.

then there are the smells. i'm extremely sensitive to smells. i might not be able to identify fragrances, but i can recognise someone by their smell. bvlgari aqua, the smell of rachel's clothes, smell of my parent's room, fresh linen, coffee, my maid's shampoo, smell of stale smoke on a few ppl, smell of rain, freshly cooked rice, burnt butter and so many more. everytime i smell something like that, it triggers off a whole chain of memories and emotions. haha. that's why i sometimes zone out.

and despite me really disliking smoking, and the actual smell of smoke being exhaled. cos of ppl and the play, i've actually come to terms with alot of that. i still don't approve of smoking, but i realise i do quite like the smell of the cigarette itself. which is rather fucked up. hahaha. i won't smoke.. but after playing with the cigarette the whole day yesterday, i realise my fingers smelled of it. and it wasn't an unpleasant smell. to me at least. haha. what a joke right.

just cos i'm tired of thinking and cos i've never been good at words. i shall continue my entry in pictures :p of places, things i want to do or miss. i love photographs. i think i'm going to get a holga (: digital cams just don't quite do it for me anymore.. its useful for like ppl snapshots and for mass shooting. but when it comes to scenes u want to keep forever. there's nothing like a manual camera. haha.

thank god i'm going to athens in two weeks. i need some time off from everything that is london. its just been an overload. haha. i think i'm really nurturing this escapist aspect of me -.- i can't stay in a place for too long without wanting to run. and yet i crave stability in others. wtf. haha. i'm screwed. whoopee. i rmb having this convo with deb about escapism a long time ago.

: ai de jiu shi ni :: wang lee hom :

i'm really trying to stop myself from sinking deeper. i'm afraid of the fall. of hitting the bottom. i don't know how much i can take anymore. i don't want to end up all cynical.